These 50 Quotes From “What We Do In The Shadows” Made Me Ugly Laugh In Public

Emilee Geist

What We Do in the Shadows has become one of the most hilarious and well-written sitcoms in recent years. Based on the film of the same name, Taiki Waititi and Jemaine Clement present the story of four vampires and their human familiar enduring the trials and tribulations of living in […]

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What We Do in the Shadows has become one of the most hilarious and well-written sitcoms in recent years.

Nandor, Nadja, and Laszlo, left to right, in "What We Do in the Shadows"

Based on the film of the same name, Taiki Waititi and Jemaine Clement present the story of four vampires and their human familiar enduring the trials and tribulations of living in modern America. Now that Season 3 has come and gone, let’s take a look at the 50 Funniest Quotes From What We Do in the Shadows.

WARNING: SPOILERS AND MATURE CONTENT AHEAD!!!

FX / Via Hulu

50.“One of the best ways to drain people’s energy is via the Internet,” – Colin Robinson

Colin Robinson at his computer, looking at the camera, in "What We Do in the Shadows"

Colin Robinson is always on the hunt for energy to feed on, leading him to become an internet troll. He has multiple computers set up for him to send annoying, mean, and offensive comments to people to get hits of energy. This eventually gets him into a fight with a literal troll, sending the message that you should be careful of people you meet (or insult) online.

FX / Via Hulu

49.“Listen, I don’t know about you, but I’m very much in the mood for some sexual intercourse,” – Laszlo

Laszlo and Nadja walking together at night in "What We Do in the Shadows"

48.“All I know is I haven’t had a whiff of Wu or Tang!” – Laszlo

Laszlo and Nadja sitting together at the theatre in "What We Do in the Shadows"

Even when he and his friends are captured and threatened with death, Laszlo can only think about erotica. Now you have to wish they’ll get the Wu-Tang Clan to star as vampires next.

FX / Via Hulu

47.“We sent ravens. We sent 500 RAVENS! I’m shocked and appalled you didn’t raven us back,” – The Guide

The Guide floating in the doorway in "What We Do in the Shadows"

So, apparently, vampires use ravens instead of phones. Does that mean they use parrots as voicemails?

FX / Via Hulu

46.“Pablo Picasso. More like Pablo Picasshole,” – Nadja

Nadja standing in front of a painting in "What We Do in the Shadows"

The amount of clever one-liners this show comes up with is just incredible.

FX / Via Hulu

45.“She speaks the bullsh*t,” – Laszlo

Nandor, Laszlo, Nadja, and the Baron's familiar at the Vampire Council in "What We Do in the Shadows"

When the vampires are put on trial for “vampicide,” one of the witnesses argues against them, and Laszlo comes up with a hilarious counterargument.

FX / Via Hulu

44.“I was a very ferocious soldier in the Ottoman Empire. Which meant a lot of killing, a lot of pillaging. People would say, ‘Please don’t pillage me!’ And I would say, ‘No, I’m pillaging everyone, you included,'” – Nandor

Nandor in his armor talking to the camera in "What We Do in the Shadows"

The man doesn’t discriminate. He pillages people equally.

FX / Via Hulu

43.“I was relentless. They would call me Nandor the Relentless. Because I would just never relent,” – Nandor

An old portrait of Nandor in "What We Do in the Shadows"

That’s a very succinct description of yourself.

FX / Via Hulu

42.“If I find I’m in a situation where an idiot is complaining to me. You can either kill them. Or you can pretend to listen to them,” – Nandor

Nandor talking to the camera in "What We Do in the Shadows"

41.“What kind of goat sorcery is this?” – Laszlo

Laszlo being surrounding by a black and purple aura by Black Peter in "What We Do in the Shadows"

I don’t think those words have ever been said in that order before.

FX / Via Hulu

40.“Look at the pictures on the glass! It’s the Jeebus man!” – Laszlo

Stained glass windows at a church in "What We Do in the Shadows"

Everyone knows that vampires are afraid of anything holy and religious, and Laszlo perfectly expresses his fear of going into a church when Nandor decides to attend a funeral. He can’t even say Jesus’s name right.

FX / Via Hulu

39.“We have total dominion from here to here!” – Laszlo

Nadja and Laszlo looking down at a map in "What We Do in the Shadows"

The vampires barely have any territory in Staten Island, but the way Laszlo dramatically declares it is just hilarious.

FX / Via Hulu

38.“Gizmo, get the dildos. Gizmo, try out the dildos. Hmm, how are the dildos? They’re fine,” – Guillermo

Guillermo complaining to the camera in "What We Do in the Shadows"

Gizmo really does a good impression of Laszlo.

FX / Via youtube.com

37.“Be strong, sweet little one. Someday they will all be dead and you will do a sh*t on all of their graves,” – Nadja

Nadja staring sadly through a window in "What We Do in the Shadows"

It’s nice to see Nadja’s compassionate side. When she comes across virgin LARPer Jenna (Beanie Feldstein), she takes pity on this young woman when she sees how the men in her life mistreat her. Though she eventually turns her into a murderous vampire, it’s heartwarming to see Nadja looking out for her fellow woman.

FX / Via Hulu

36.“You are supposed to support me when I want to murder someone!” – Nadja

An angry Nadja floating in the air in "What We Do in the Shadows"

That’s probably not how a healthy marriage works.

FX / Via Hulu

35.The Baron: “You know what I’ve always wanted to try?” Laszlo: “Coprophilia.” Laszlo: “No, pizza pie! Is it as wonderful as they say?” *turns to Laszlo* “Coprophilia?”

The Baron looking at Laszlo while with Nandor and Nadja in "What We Do in the Shadows"

For those of you who don’t know what that word means, you’re gonna have to look it up yourself. Be careful, though.

FX / Via Hulu

34.“You people are as much fun as the plague. Remember the plague? And how much fun it was? That’s this,” – The Baron

Nandor, Laszlo, Nadja, and the Baron sitting in a bar in "What We Do in the Shadows"

Veteran actor Doug Jones is hands-down the best side character as Baron Afanas. He delivers each of his lines with wicked glee, and this is one of the Baron’s best as the ancient vampire tries to loosen up and have a fun night.

FX / Via Hulu

33.“If I ever find out who did it, I will take a dagger and stab them 5,000 times with this hand! Switch hands. And then stab them another 5,000 times!” – Garrett

Garrett in a dungeon in "What We Do in the Shadows"

When Dave Bautista stars as a vampire wrongfully convicted for one of Laszlo’s crimes, he makes a threat that is delivered in hilarious Bautista fashion. You can definitely hear Drax saying this.

FX / Via Hulu

32.“We were so poor, we used to use donkey dung for fuel and when the donkey dung ran out, we would have to burn the donkey,” – Nadja

Nadja talking to the camera in "What We Do in the Shadows"

Throughout the series, we see Nadja recount her struggles growing up in a poor village, and despite how sad they are, they are just nonsensical and hilarious. You have to wonder if Natasia Demetriou makes all these stories up on the spot during filming.

FX / Via Hulu

31.Guillermo: “‘Laszlo Sucks,’ backwards.” Laszlo: “Laszlo doesn’t suck! And if he did, he certainly wouldn’t do it backwards!”

Nandor, Laszlo, and Nadja standing together in "What We Do in the Shadows"

When the vampires’ house becomes haunted by ghosts, one of them leaves a terrifying note for Laszlo. Of course, he misinterprets the message and gives us one of his most clever comebacks ever.

FX / Via Hulu

30.“She said that my pornos were boring, which is an unbelievable reaction. I showed her a century’s worth of my pornos. That’s a lot of porn. I don’t think she followed the plots,” – Laszlo

Laszlo talking to the camera in the fancy room in "What We Do in the Shadows"

They all say they watch it for the plot, and they never do. But that porn parody of Seinfeld that Laszlo does looks promising.

FX / Via Hulu

29.“Do you remember that first time we made love? It was so passionate, I accidentally cut off your head,” – Nadja

Nadja talking to Jeff in "What We Do in the Shadows"

Everyone has bad experiences with their first time, but this is ridiculous.

FX / Via youtube.com

28.“There is nothing more devastating than finding out your husband has made porn… and it’s so bloody boring,” – Nadja

Nadja talking to the camera in "What We Do in the Shadows"

Just when you think you know Nadja, she says something completely different. When Laszlo digs up his old “home movies” for their upcoming sex party, Nadja has some words of criticism for her husband that ultimately turn him off. Pun intended there.

FX / Via Hulu

27.“Why aren’t they wearing capes. Looks like anyone can be a vampire in Mana-hatta!” – Laszlo

Nadja and Laszlo walking into a nightclub in "What We Do in the Shadows"

The way Matt Berry pronounces words while playing any of his characters is hysterical, and he delivers the goods as Laszlo when he and his friends visit a club in Mana-hatta.

FX / Via Hulu

26.“You are just a lovely guy that I took very strong sex with a couple hundred thousand times and then my husband cut your head off. Move on!” – Nadja

Nadja talking to Jeff's spirit in "What We Do in the Shadows"

We’ve all had our hearts broken at least once in our lives, but the show takes it to a new level when Nadja drives away the spirit of her reincarnated lover after getting his head cut off for the millionth time.

FX / Via Hulu

25.“It’s a big bloody stupid hat with a big bloody stupid curse on it, and every time you wear it, something bloody stupid terrible happens!” – Nadja

Laszlo, wearing his witch hat, talking to Nadja and Guillermo in "What We Do in the Shadows"

Laszlo has a hat made from a witch’s skin, and he repeatedly insists that it isn’t cursed, despite the many misfortunes it brings. Nadja hilariously sums up the hat’s backstory and her frustration over it, and she hates it even more as the show goes on. We all have an outfit that a loved one doesn’t like but we keep anyway, but none of them ever caused a nightclub to be burned down from a flaming arrow, as far as we know.

FX / Via Hulu

24.“No, I know what you’re bloody like! If you eat the mean one, you’re gonna be mean all evening!” – Nadja

Nadja, Laszlo, and Nandor floating and looking into a window in "What We Do in the Shadows"

She sure knows her husband.

FX / Via Hulu

23.Nadja: “Have you gone soft, my sweet syrup pie.” Laszlo: “No, my sweet syrup pie, I’ve gone hard!”

Nandor with Laszlo, who's talking to Nadja in "What We Do in the Shadows"

Laszlo just can’t help but blurt out innuendos.

FX / Via Hulu

22.“I am just a stupid human man. Oh, ouch, ouch, my balls. I love to drink beer,” – Nadja

Nadja smiling in "What We Do in the Shadows"

This is pretty much every human frat boy ever.

FX / Via Hulu

21.“She used to be such a cute, little fresh-faced girl. But now she just looks like an elephant’s knee,” – Nadja

Joanie sitting in a chair in "What We Do in the Shadows"

That’s not a nice thing to say to a friend you used to terrorize when they were little.

FX / Via Hulu

20.“Creepy paper. Creepy paper. Creepy-oh! Multipack!” – Nandor

Nandor at a supermarket, picking up crepe paper, in "What We Do in the Shadows"

In classic Shadows fashion, we see Nandor shopping for party decorations at a supermarket, and this whole fish-out-of-water situation is too funny. And the way he pronounces crepe paper is just priceless.

FX / Via Hulu

19.“I’ll be honest with you. My lookalike is kind of giving me a chub,” – Colin Robinson

Colin Robinson and Nandor looking up at the theatre in "What We Do in the Shadows"

At least we know Colin has a good self-image.

FX / Via Hulu

18.“No, no. Nandor, that’s the Stairmaster, the master of the stairs,” – Laszlo

Nandor, high on drug blood, holding onto the Stairmaster, in "What We Do in the Shadows"

A pretty accurate statement from a guy who’s high on drug blood.

FX / Via Hulu

17.“How are you supposed to be a strong, thrilling, powerful warrior and love with a name like Jeff? It is like a weak ejaculation! Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh. Jeff,” – Nadja

Nadja scolding Jeff in "What We Do in the Shadows"

Only Nadja could make the name Jeff into an insult. After watching this episode, you will never be able to not think of it when the name Jeff comes up.

FX / Via Hulu

16.“And we are truly sorry, and we are taking this very seriously, and these are our serious faces. Serious. Serious. Serious,” – Laszlo

Laszlo talking in a waiting room in "What We Do in the Shadows"

He doesn’t sound very… what was the word, again?

FX / Via Hulu

15.“It says I am one-hundred percent white,” – Colin Robinson

Colin Robinson holding up his ancestry report in "What We Do in the Shadows"

There is definitely no nuance to that.

FX / Via Hulu

14.Colin Robinson: “This is science.” Nandor: “But this is a turtle.”

Nandor, visibly stunned, sitting next to Colin Robinson in their hotel room in "What We Do in the Shadows"

When Colin Robinson tells Nandor about the big bang theory, they both go down a rabbit hole of scientific research that rocks Nandor’s entire world. The science completely contradicts Nandor’s religious view of how the world was held up by elephants sitting on the turtle, and this hilarious exchange sums up the difference between them.

FX / Via Hulu

13.Laszlo: “Where did you get them from?” Guillermo: “Amazon, so…” Laszlo: “Well then, you get in your car and drive them back to the Amazon!”

Laszlo yelling at Guillermo, who is holding stakes in "What We Do in the Shadows

Never approach your vampire friends with a bundle of stakes, or else you’ll really set them off.

FX / Via Hulu

12.“I was doing the bloody disco a hundred years before any other [email protected]#$%r,” – Laszlo

Laszlo pointing at Nadja in "What We Do in the Shadows"

Do not mess with the tempo king.

FX / Via Hulu

11.“He’s as mad as a wax banana,” – Laszlo

Laszlo and Nandor at a convenience store in "What We Do in the Shadows"

It’s unclear how he came up with this simile, but it is funny, nevertheless.

FX / Via Hulu

10.“I talked to Rob. He didn’t wanna come. He wants to leave it behind,” – Evan the Immortal Princess of the Undead

Evan talking to the Vampire Council in "What We Do in the Shadows"

When the vampires are put on trial by the Vampire Council, we see that it is made up of famous celebrities who have played vampires in the past, including the cast of the original Shadows film. However, we learn that Robert Pattison didn’t want to make an appearance, referencing his hatred of his iconic role in Twilight. It’s a hilarious meta-joke that gets even funnier when we learn that Tom, Brad, and Kiefer couldn’t come either.

FX / Via Hulu

9.“I have recently rediscovered my love for topiary sculpture: the art of bush manipulation,” – Laszlo

Laszlo talking to the camera in "What We Do in the Shadows"

Seriously, is everything in Laszlo’s life sexual?

FX / Via Hulu

8.“One human alcohol beer, please,” – Jim the Vampire

@theshadowsfx / Via Giphy

Legendary actor Mark Hamill plays the role of Jim the Vampire with utter perfection, and we hope to see more of him pursuing Laszlo and drinking human alcohol beer.

7.“It seems that, uh, government workers are immune to hypnotism. It’s like their souls are dead or something,” – Nandor

Nandor looking at the camera in a bathroom in "What We Do in the Shadows"

Of course, he learns this while going through immigration services.

FX / Via Hulu

6.“You are all such strong, beautiful, vicious, vibrant women. How did you all end up married to such boiled potatoes?” – Nadja

Nadja standing in Sean's house in "What We Do in the Shadows"

I think just about every married woman on the planet has asked themselves the same question.

FX / Via Hulu

5.“I did apply for my American citizenship back in 1992 for five reasons and five reasons only. Johnson, Jordan, Bird, Barkley, Ewing,” – Nandor

Nandor in his "dunk zone" in "What We Do in the Shadows"

Who knew Nandor was so into basketball. Whenever you think of vampires, you don’t usually think of them as being into American sports. But it’s another reason why we just love Nandor the Relentless.

FX / Via Hulu

4.“These poor women. They take a lovely, handsome chap from the street, make him their husband, and then, in the blinks of an eye, he becomes a big, lazy sack of sh*t. So sad,” – Nadja

Nadja talking to the camera in "What We Do in the Shadows"

3.“Now he’s just gone up to a drunk man and he’s drunk the drunk man’s blood that has made him drunk,” – Nandor

Nandor talking to the camera in an alley in "What We Do in the Shadows"

Judging from that sentence, Nandor might’ve gotten a contact drunk.

FX / Via Hulu

2.“We drunk the blood of some people, but the people were on drugs, and now I’m a wizard,” – Nandor

@theshadowsfx / Via Giphy

It is just too funny to see the vampires partying with the Baron, mollied out of their minds.

1.[email protected]$%ing guy!” – Nandor

Nandor standing in the hallway of his house in "What We Do in the Shadows"

This line has been Nandor’s catchphrase throughout the show, and it just gets funnier every time he says it. By itself, it’s a guaranteed laugh, but the way that actor Kayvan Novak says this line with his hilarious accent makes it even more memorable. Truly a line worthy of Nandor the Relentless.

FX / Via Hulu

Do you agree with this list? Were there any other quotes that we missed? Please let us know in the comments section below!

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